The Mental Load Overload: Understanding How You Got Here
Here’s the thing, I bet when you first started dating your partner, things felt different, more fair, more equal.
But now you feel overburdened, resentful, and angry. This was not what you signed up when you got married (or formed a long-term partnership), and definitely not how you thought parenthood would be like.
You love your partner and he’s a good dad and yes, he does a lot, a lot more than his father, but yet the scales are so unbalanced and this is not how you envisioned your life together.
The Mental Load Definitions
Domestic Labor: This is all tasks related to taking care of a household and children. It is also called Unpaid Labor, as it is seen as work put in to care for your family and relationship and it is not paid.
The Mental Load: Also called Cognitive Labor and Invisible Labor, this is all the thinking that occurs around a task. It includes the anticipation- so knowing there will need to be a task and the planning- this includes research and delegation. These aspects of a task are largely unseen by others, as most of it is occurring “in your head.” For example- your child’s doctor’s appointments. You have to know that they will need a checkup, know when it needs to be done, know when to schedule it, know where and with whom to schedule (so likely lots of research here for the doctor, if they take your insurance, etc.), the scheduling of the actual appointment, the planning on how the child will go to the appointment, when to leave for the appointment and what needs to be taken to the appointment.
Physical Load/Labor: This is the execution aka the “doing” of the task. An example of this using the child’s doctor’s appointment- the actual taking the child to the doctor’s appointment.
Emotional Labor: While similar to the Mental Load, this is around managing emotions to maintain relationships. This can include comforting a distressed child, supporting your partner when stressed, and it also includes the efforts to connect and improve relationships.
The Division of Labor: This is how the domestic labor, including the mental load, the physical load, and the emotional labor is divided within a relationship and/or family.
The Mental Load in Early Motherhood
While there is certainly a Mental Load that is occurring within a relationship with no children, I often find the widening division starts to really happen and amplify in pregnancy and postpartum.
Before kids, common household tasks within a relationship involved cleaning the house, grocery shopping, cooking dinner, paying bills, maintaining the outside/yard, etc. During this time, often both individuals are working full time and for the most part, there tends to be more collaboration on tasks.
I find, the big shift starts to happen in pregnancy. Being the person who is pregnant, you are typically very aware of this all day. Initially, you may start out by feeling bloated, nauseous, tired, etc. This shifts into your body changing, you’ll eventually start to feel baby move around, and outwardly, you’re likely experiencing a lot of comments and questions about the pregnancy. It makes sense then, that you will start doing a lot of researching and reading up on your pregnancy- how big is baby now, what are the developments happening, how is your body changing, is this normal, etc. You probably have one of those apps that tell you each day what’s going on- “baby is the size of an apple!”
Then as you get further along, you’re probably looking over Pinterest for nursery inspiration. You’re reading about the necessities you need for baby. You’re putting together your baby registry. You’re also probably starting to learn about birth, explore classes, decide what kind of birth you want to have.
While your partner may be game to hear the updates, they are willing to help out and put any plan into action, they are likely not doing any of the research or planning themselves. They are looking for you to lead. I don’t think there is a negative intent here, you’re the one pregnant, it’s your body, they want to support you and want to respect whatever it is that you want. While all that is great, I see that it unfortunately starts to set up the dynamic of you (mom) being the knower of all things baby/family and dad being on the outside and waiting to be told what to do. [I’m describing heterosexual relationships here, as research tends to show that same-gender relationships have a more equal division of the mental load and labor of tasks]
This plays out more once baby is here as 1) you are more informed about what baby needs and how to take care of baby and 2) you are typically more involved in the early care of baby because of breast feeding and/or pumping. This dynamic again leads to you taking the lead on all things baby and dad hanging back and waiting to be told what to do.
This gets further solidified when your partner returns to work and you remain home either on maternity leave or it’s decided for you to stay home with baby and not return to work. Since you are home with baby all day, you again continue to learn more about baby and gain more experience about what baby needs, how baby responds to different things, baby’s schedule, etc. You are also likely starting to take on more household chores, because you’re home and it’s “in your face” constantly to do.
Over time, this easily becomes very skewed, with you taking on more and more around all things baby and household and your partner doing less and less in this arenas and just focusing on work. Even when you return to work, this natural progression of things tends to stick, so you find yourself continue to take on majority of baby and household tasks even though you are also now back at work.
The Mental Load and Stay At Home Moms (SAHM)
If it’s decided for to take on a Stay at Home Mom role, you may start to feel like it’s your “job” to take care of the household, since your are not “financially” supporting your family. Mostly likely your partner also has these assumptions as this is typically what they witnessed/experienced within their own households growing (their mom taking on most of the childcare and household labor while their dad worked). Most likely, your partner is
There is a lot wrong with this picture. The main thing is that as a society we diminish the value of caring for children and we overinflated the value one has by financially providing for their family. Obviously being able to pay your bills and take care of your family’s needs financially is important and has it’s own set of burdens. No one is disputing that. My highlight here is how little we value and validate the importance of being there for our children physically and emotionally and all the continual, never-ending effort that takes.
But here’s the truth:
Being home with children is work. Full stop.
It’s physical, emotional, and mental labor, often performed without recognition, compensation, or even basic breaks. Caring for your children, anticipating their needs, regulating their emotions, maintaining a functioning household, keeping track of 500 things at once, and doing it all while exhausted? That is not “just staying home.” That’s project management, emotional containment, crisis prevention, education, and logistics- rolled into one never-ending shift.
And when you’re in it, it can feel impossible to explain just how much you’re holding.
Why It Feels Like You’re the Only One Who Sees It
The deeper you get into motherhood, the more invisible the labor becomes. You’re the one who notices the laundry pile and remembers the dentist appointment and keeps track of when the baby last pooped and which brand of yogurt your toddler will actually eat. You’re the one answering texts from your mom, coordinating with daycare, Googling developmental milestones at midnight, and lying in bed thinking about whether you remembered to RSVP to that birthday party.
Meanwhile, your partner may be helping out, and genuinely trying, but still somehow not getting it.
They might say, “Just tell me what you need,” but that’s the problem. You don’t want to be the manager.
You want a partner.
Someone who notices, plans, anticipates, and shares the invisible labor- without needing reminders.
How Did We Get Here? The Unequal Division of Labor in Couples
This dynamic didn’t happen overnight. It was built over time—layer by layer.
Pregnancy, postpartum, feeding decisions, stay-at-home roles, work schedules, societal scripts, family modeling, and gendered assumptions all played a part. None of it was intentional. It likely wasn’t even talked about. But now? It’s heavy.
And now that you’re deep in it, it can feel like the only way to survive is to just keep pushing through.
But here’s something I want you to hear clearly:
You are not failing.
You are carrying too much.
The System Isn’t Broken—It Was Built This Way
If you’re feeling like the weight of the mental load is crushing, that’s not just personal—it’s political.
Our culture didn’t prepare men to share the invisible labor of family life, and it didn’t prepare women to not carry it all. From the moment we’re born, gendered expectations shape how we see ourselves and each other. Girls are praised for being helpful, nurturing, organized, and accommodating. Boys are often given permission to focus on achievement, individuality, and being taken care of.
So by the time we enter long-term partnerships, we’ve absorbed these unspoken scripts:
That women are naturally better at multitasking, nurturing, and “just knowing” what everyone needs
That men are helpers, not equal partners in caregiving
That a man who changes a diaper deserves applause, while a mom is expected to do it all without acknowledgment
That financial contribution is more valuable than caregiving and emotional labor
Even well-intentioned partners who want to be supportive often don’t see the mental load—because society hasn’t trained them to. And when moms try to explain it, they’re often met with defensiveness, dismissal, or confusion. This gaslighting effect can make you doubt your own experience, even when your exhaustion is real.
The truth is: this isn’t about individual failure—it’s about systemic design.
We live in a culture that undervalues caregiving, relies on unpaid labor (mostly from women), and celebrates the “selfless mother” while giving her no structural support. From the lack of paid parental leave, to workplace cultures that penalize mothers, to the absence of affordable childcare—the system depends on women picking up the slack.
Recognizing this doesn’t make you powerless. It actually gives you clarity. Because once you see the system, you can stop blaming yourself—and start imagining something different.
Key Takeaways
The mental load is real and deeply gendered. Even in modern, progressive relationships, mothers disproportionately carry the invisible labor of planning, anticipating, and managing family life.
The imbalance often begins in pregnancy and intensifies during early parenthood. Because of how roles naturally form in the early days (especially with breastfeeding or staying home), moms often become the default parent and family manager, sometimes without realizing it until resentment builds.
Cultural conditioning and internalized beliefs fuel the overload. Many moms unconsciously adopt beliefs like “this is just my role” or “I should be able to handle it all,” leading to burnout and disconnection.
These dynamics are not your fault, but they can be changed. With awareness, communication, and support, couples can restructure the division of labor and build more equitable partnerships.
The mental load isn’t just a personal problem—it’s rooted in systemic, patriarchal structures that expect women to carry the emotional, physical, and cognitive labor of family life without support or recognition.
Ready to Lighten the Mental Load Together?
If you’re feeling stuck in this cycle and wondering how things got so lopsided, you’re not alone—and you don’t have to figure it all out on your own.
That’s exactly why I created Mental Load Coaching for Couples.
This isn’t about finger-pointing or blame. It’s about helping you and your partner understand the invisible labor in your relationship and co-create a system that actually feels supportive—for both of you.
You have two options:
🧠 The Self-Paced Course
Learn at your own pace with a structured course that breaks down the mental load, where it shows up in your relationship, and how to shift toward a more balanced dynamic. It’s practical, research-backed, and rooted in real-life experience.
💬 Add-On Couples Coaching
Want personalized support and guidance? In coaching sessions, I’ll walk you and your partner through tough conversations, help you untangle old patterns, and offer concrete tools to create lasting change in your relationship.
Because a more equitable partnership isn’t just possible—it’s essential.
For your mental health. Your relationship. Your family. And you.
✨ You don’t have to carry it all. Let’s start lightening the load—together.
Learn more about Mental Load Coaching here.
Disclaimer: This is not a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you are in California and looking for a professional therapist feel free to use the contact me to request an appointment or search Psychology Today for local therapists in your area.
Related Posts
