Who Am I Now? Navigating Identity Shifts in Motherhood
You love your baby and still, you miss the person you used to be.
You find yourself staring into your closet, unsure of what to wear, not just because your body has changed- but because you have changed. The things that once lit you up feel distant. You’re not sure if they fit anymore. You scroll social media and feel an odd pang when you see your friends out, traveling, or doing things that used to be so natural for you.
And then the question hits:
Who even am I now?
The Motherhood Identity Crisis No One Talks About
Motherhood is often painted in broad, pastel strokes- joyful, fulfilling, purposeful. And while those things can be true, they rarely tell the full story.
What most people don’t prepare you for is the grief that comes with becoming a mother.
The grief of time, space, freedom. The grief of spontaneity. The grief of the version of you that existed before your world began orbiting around this tiny new human.
Many moms at Happy Moms Therapy say things like:
“I used to feel confident at work. Now I second-guess everything- even what to pack in the diaper bag.”
“I don’t even know what I enjoy anymore. Everything just feels like survival mode.”
“I thought I’d bounce back to ‘me’ eventually. But it’s been months, and I still feel lost.”
These aren’t signs that something is wrong with you.
They’re signs that something powerful is happening within you.
Why Identity Shifts in Motherhood Are So Disorienting
Motherhood changes your brain, your body, your priorities, your relationships, your time, your sleep, your capacity, your inner world.
That’s not a minor transition. That’s a whole identity transformation.
Psychologists call this shift “matrescence”- the process of becoming a mother. It’s similar to adolescence in that it’s emotional, hormonal, and identity-altering. But unlike adolescence, there’s very little support or cultural acknowledgment that this transition exists. You’re expected to just know how to be a mom, and to do it with gratitude, patience, and a perfect swaddle.
The pressure to feel “normal” again is heavy. But what if the goal isn’t to go back?
What Is Matrescence?
Matrescence is the physical, emotional, hormonal, and social transition a person goes through when becoming a mother. The term was coined by anthropologist Dana Raphael (who also is the same researcher who introduced the concept of the “doula”) to describe the monumental identity shift that happens when a woman becomes a mother.
Think of it like adolescence. Just as puberty involves major changes to your body, brain, and identity, matrescence is a similarly profound transformation, except there’s almost no societal recognition of it.
You might find yourself thinking:
Why do I feel so different, even though I’m “back to normal” on paper?
Why is this so hard when I’m supposed to be so happy?
Why do I feel like I lost myself, even though I gained something so beautiful?
Matrescence helps explain that. It’s the invisible process behind the identity shifts, emotional overwhelm, relationship changes, and the deep questioning of “Who am I now?”
What makes matrescence even more complex is that it’s often layered with:
Postpartum mental health challenges (like anxiety, depression, or trauma)
Sleep deprivation and nervous system dysregulation
The mental load of caregiving
Societal expectations to “bounce back” or be a “perfect mom”
Most moms have never heard of matrescence, but once they do, something clicks. They realize: Oh. It’s not just me.
Understanding matrescence gives you language for the in-between space you’re living in- where you’re no longer who you were, and not yet sure who you’re becoming. It invites compassion into the conversation. It reframes the struggle as a natural part of a profound transformation- not a personal failure.
You’re Not Meant to Go Back- You’re Becoming
It’s okay to mourn who you were. That version of you mattered.
But you don’t have to erase her or choose between her and who you’re becoming.
What if motherhood isn’t about losing yourself, but about expanding into someone deeper, wiser, more whole?
The truth is: your identity will shift. And that shift can be confusing, lonely, even painful at times. But it can also be clarifying. Empowering. Beautiful. Especially when you’re supported through it.
At Happy Moms Therapy, I help you explore questions like:
What parts of me feel lost and what parts are just hidden right now?
What roles am I holding onto because of pressure, not passion?
What values do I want to carry into this new chapter of motherhood?
How can I reconnect with myself without guilt?
I use a blend of CBT, EMDR, nervous system regulation tools, and compassionate talk therapy to help you make sense of your story- both the parts you grieve and the parts you’re proud of.
Reclaiming You- One Step at a Time
You don’t have to figure this all out alone.
The version of you who existed before motherhood is still in there. She may have new layers now- wiser, stretched (literally and figuratively), maybe a bit sleep-deprived, but she’s still you.
And you’re allowed to take up space in this new season.
You’re allowed to say, “This is hard,” and also say, “I’m growing.”
You’re allowed to find yourself again- not in who you were, but in who you are becoming.
If you’re feeling lost in motherhood, I’m here to help you come home to yourself.
Reach out today to schedule a free consultation. You don’t have to navigate this identity shift alone. Let’s find you again- together.
👉 Schedule Your Free Consultation
Motherhood Identity Shifts Key Takeaways
It’s normal to feel lost in motherhood. Struggling with your identity after having a baby isn’t a sign that something is wrong- it’s a sign that something big is changing inside of you.
You’re going through a process called matrescence. Like adolescence, matrescence is a major life transition. It affects your brain, body, emotions, and relationships. Most moms aren’t told this, but once you have the language for it, things start to make sense.
Grieving your “old self” doesn’t mean you don’t love your baby. You can feel grateful and still feel a sense of loss. That emotional duality is real—and it’s okay.
You don’t have to choose between who you were and who you’re becoming. Identity in motherhood isn’t about losing yourself. It’s about evolving, expanding, and integrating your past, present, and future self.
Support matters. Navigating identity shifts, trauma, anxiety, or burnout is hard to do alone. Therapy can give you a safe, non-judgmental space to reconnect with yourself, explore what matters most, and feel more grounded in this new version of you.
Feeling disconnected from yourself doesn’t mean you’re failing- it means you’re in the middle of becoming. 💛
If you’re ready to feel more like you again, we’d be honored to walk alongside you.
👉 Book a free 20-minute consultation to get started.
Disclaimer: This is not a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you are in California and looking for a professional therapist feel free to use the contact me to request an appointment or search Psychology Today for local therapists in your area.
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