When “Good Enough” Feels Like Failure: Understanding Perfectionism in Motherhood
You probably wouldn’t describe yourself as a perfectionist. You’re not obsessed with spotless counters or Pinterest-worthy birthday parties (I mean you may try but you also are realistic). But still, you lie awake at night reviewing the day in your head- replaying how you lost your patience, wondering if you played enough, if you responded the “right” way, if your child felt loved enough.
That quiet voice that whispers, You should be doing more. You should be doing better. That’s perfectionism, too.
In motherhood, perfectionism doesn’t always look like flawless routines or picture-perfect homes. More often, it shows up as sky-high expectations of yourself- and relentless guilt when you inevitably fall short.
Let’s talk about what perfectionism really looks like in motherhood, what causes it, how it holds you back, and how therapy can help you move toward a more compassionate, connected version of yourself.
What Perfectionism Really Looks Like in Motherhood
Perfectionism isn’t about being perfect- it’s about feeling like you have to be.
It’s the belief that you must:
Always be calm and emotionally available, no matter how exhausted you are
Know the “right” thing to do in every parenting moment
Respond to your child in exactly the way you’ve read or heard is best
Never let your baby cry, but also not “spoil” them
Manage the house, the appointments, the feeds, the naps…without complaint
Be the mom who loves every second of it
Sound familiar?
This type of internal pressure is deeply exhausting and often invisible. From the outside, you might look like you’re holding it all together. Inside, you’re constantly worried you’re not doing enough, not enjoying it enough, not being enough.
Where Does This Pressure Come From?
If you’ve always been a high-achiever, you might be used to setting goals and working hard to meet them. But parenting doesn’t work like that. Babies don’t follow schedules. Toddlers don’t read parenting books. And your own nervous system doesn’t care how many deep breaths you take when you’re running on three hours of sleep.
Here’s what often drives perfectionism in new moms:
Childhood wounds: If you grew up feeling like love had to be earned through being “good,” being helpful, being the one who held it together- you might now believe your worth is tied to how well you mother.
Cultural conditioning: Society glorifies the “supermom” and praises moms who sacrifice everything (and also majorly judges those that don’t). You’re told you should be grateful, not struggling. That you should love every minute. That good moms don’t need help.
Fear and anxiety: So much feels out of control in new motherhood. Setting high expectations can feel like a way to create order. But when you can’t meet those expectations, anxiety increases.
Social media: Endless reels of happy babies and glowing moms can leave you feeling like you’re the only one who finds this hard. Also, all that information on what you “should” do can also lead you to feel not good enough when don’t always live up to that.
Why Perfectionism Gets in the Way
Perfectionism tells you that if you try hard enough, read enough, love enough- you’ll get it “right.” But the truth is, there is no perfect in parenting. Only connection, repair, and learning alongside your child.
Perfectionism can keep you from:
Feeling present and connected with your baby
Asking for support when you need it
Resting, slowing down, or taking care of your own needs
Giving yourself grace in moments of overwhelm
Feeling proud of yourself and the work you’re doing
It creates a cycle of burnout, guilt, and self-criticism- making you feel like you’re failing even when you’re doing so much right.
How Therapy Can Help With Perfectionism
You don’t need more parenting advice. You need a space to unpack where this pressure is coming from and permission to release it.
At Happy Moms Therapy, I specialize in supporting moms like you- high-achieving, deeply caring women who feel like they’re quietly falling apart inside. Therapy can help you:
Understand the roots of your perfectionism (often tied to childhood roles and trauma)
Learn tools to regulate anxiety and calm your nervous system
Challenge all-or-nothing thinking and soften self-critical thoughts
Build a more realistic, compassionate vision of what it means to be a “good enough” mom
Begin to feel proud of your story, your growth, and the love you bring to your child every day
I use a combination of EMDR therapy, CBT techniques, and brain-body approaches to help you feel more grounded, empowered, and connected to yourself.
You don’t have to earn rest. You don’t have to be perfect to be deeply worthy. You don’t have to carry this alone.
Ready to Let Go of the Pressure?
Therapy won’t make motherhood easy, but it will make it lighter. If you’re ready to explore how perfectionism is shaping your experience as a mom, we’re here to walk with you.
🌿 Schedule a free consultation today and take the first step toward feeling more like yourself.
Disclaimer: This is not a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you are in California and looking for a professional therapist feel free to use the contact me to request an appointment or search Psychology Today for local therapists in your area.
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