What to Do When You Resent Your Partner After Having a Baby
You love your baby but you might not like your partner very much right now.
That sentence alone might make you cringe or feel guilty. You thought this time would bring you closer, but instead, you find yourself feeling irritated, unseen, or even angry. Maybe it’s the way they sleep through the baby’s cries. Or how you have to remind them, again, to pack the diaper bag.
If you’ve caught yourself thinking, “I’m doing everything, and they just don’t get it,” you’re far from alone.
Resentment after having a baby is one of the most common (and least talked about) experiences in new parenthood. It doesn’t mean you don’t love your partner. It means something in your relationship dynamic needs care, repair, and rebalancing.
Why Resentment Shows Up After Baby
Becoming parents changes everything, but not always equally.
1. The Mental Load Becomes Unequal
Even in the most supportive relationships, moms often end up carrying the invisible mental load- the ongoing checklist of baby supplies, appointments, feedings, emotional needs, and daily logistics.
It’s not just what you do- it’s everything you’re tracking, anticipating, and remembering. And while your partner may want to help, they often rely on your direction. That means you’re still managing it all, just delegating instead of doing, which can be even more exhausting.
2. The Emotional Labor Gap
You’re not only managing tasks- you’re managing emotions. You hold the household’s emotional temperature, carry the guilt, and anticipate everyone’s needs before your own.
Your partner’s world may not have shifted as dramatically as yours. You may feel like you’re living on different planets- one consumed by baby’s needs, the other by the assumption that “things are fine.”
3. Societal and Gender Expectations
This imbalance isn’t your fault and it’s not just about your relationship.
Patriarchal systems have long reinforced the idea that moms are “naturally” better at caregiving and dads are “helping.” However, this aligns more with social conditioning (aka- how we grow up, what we’re told, see ,and experience), than reality. Dads can learn to be an amazing caregiver just like mom, they just need the opportunity. Moms don’t need helpers- they need partners.
These gendered expectations run deep, and they shape how both partners show up, often unconsciously.
4. No Room to Process
Sleep deprivation, overstimulation, and endless demands leave little space for emotional connection. Conversations quickly spiral into arguments, or don’t happen at all. You might shut down, snap, or silently keep score- not because you want to, but because you’re running on fumes.
Resentment isn’t really about who does more- it’s about having unmet needs, feeling unseen, and not supported.
Signs You Might Be Experiencing Postpartum Resentment
Resentment can look different for everyone, but it often shows up as:
Irritability or anger toward your partner
Feeling emotionally distant or disconnected
Keeping score- mentally tracking who’s doing more
Avoiding intimacy or conversation
Fantasizing about being alone or “escaping”
Feeling invisible, underappreciated, or taken for granted
These feelings don’t mean your relationship is broken- they’re signals. And when you listen to them, healing becomes possible.
How to Begin Healing the Resentment
You can rebuild connection and teamwork but it starts with understanding what’s underneath the frustration.
1. Pause Before You React
When resentment hits, your nervous system is likely in fight-or-flight mode. Before reacting, pause.
Try a few slow, deep breaths- in through your nose, out through your mouth. Feel your feet on the floor, your shoulders drop. A few seconds of grounding can shift your body out of reactivity and make room for clarity.
2. Name What’s Beneath the Anger
Resentment often masks softer emotions: sadness, loneliness, disappointment, or grief. Journaling or therapy can help you uncover what’s really hurting.
“I’m angry because I feel like I’m doing it all” often translates to “I feel unseen and alone.”
3. Communicate Differently
When you do talk, try to use “I feel” statements instead of blame:
“I feel overwhelmed when I handle bedtime alone,”
not “You never help.”
Avoid big, emotionally charged conversations late at night or in moments of exhaustion. Choose calm, neutral times to talk.
4. Make the Invisible Visible
Write down everything that goes into running your household and caring for your baby — from scheduling doctor’s visits to remembering diaper sizes. Then share it.
Seeing the full mental and emotional load on paper helps both partners understand the scope of what’s happening and creates a starting point for redistributing responsibilities.
5. Reconnect Intentionally
You may not have hours for date nights but small moments count.
Express appreciation, even for little things.
Sit together for 10 quiet minutes after bedtime.
Share something you miss about each other.
Connection doesn’t have to be grand. It just needs to be consistent.
Reconnection after baby isn’t about perfection or equal splits- it’s about teamwork, empathy, and shared responsibility.
When to Seek Support
If you notice that resentment feels constant or communication keeps breaking down, that’s a sign to reach out for help. Therapy can be an incredibly powerful space to explore these patterns, understand emotional triggers, and rebuild connection.
Consider support if:
You’re frequently arguing or avoiding each other.
You feel emotionally or physically disconnected.
You’re carrying the mental load almost entirely on your own.
You’re experiencing intense anger, sadness, or numbness.
You deserve support, and so does your relationship.
How Happy Moms Therapy Can Help
At Happy Moms Therapy, we know that resentment after baby doesn’t come from a lack of love — it comes from exhaustion, invisible labor, and a system that asks moms to carry too much. We help you and your partner understand what’s really happening beneath the surface and learn tools to heal it together.
Our approach includes:
Individual Therapy for Moms
A space just for you- to process your emotions, strengthen boundaries, and find your voice again without guilt or shame.
Mental Load Coaching for Couples
A structured, practical process designed to help partners see, name, and rebalance the invisible labor at home.
Identify the hidden tasks and emotional weight each partner carries.
Learn how to communicate about fairness without defensiveness.
Create systems that make life feel more balanced, cooperative, and kind.
The goal isn’t perfection- it’s partnership.
EMDR and Nervous System Regulation
For moms processing birth trauma, emotional triggers, or persistent overwhelm, EMDR and body-based tools can help release what’s stuck and restore emotional steadiness.
Cognitive and Relational Tools
Learn how to shift unhelpful thought patterns, create emotional safety in your relationship, and find your way back to each other.
You deserve a partnership that feels like a team- one where you feel seen, supported, and valued.
Ready to Rebuild Connection?
If you’re feeling distant or resentful after baby, you don’t have to navigate that pain alone. Therapy can help you move from frustration to understanding — and rediscover each other in this new season of life.
👉 Schedule a free consultation to learn how postpartum therapy and Mental Load Coaching can help you feel more like a team again.
You both deserve support- and a relationship that grows with you.
Disclaimer: This is not a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you are in California and looking for a professional therapist feel free to use the contact me to request an appointment or search Psychology Today for local therapists in your area.
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