Struggling in Postpartum? Understanding Clean Pain vs. Dirty Pain Can Help
Motherhood is full of emotions that feel hard to name. Joy and gratitude live right alongside grief, frustration, and overwhelm. Many moms in the postpartum period find themselves thinking, “Why am I feeling this way? I should be happy.”
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. And nothing is wrong with you.
There’s a concept from therapy that can help make sense of this emotional complexity and maybe even offer a little relief. It’s called clean pain vs. dirty pain, and it can be a powerful lens for understanding your postpartum experience with more clarity and compassion.
What Is Clean Pain vs. Dirty Pain?
The idea of clean pain vs. dirty pain comes from therapist and author Resmaa Menakem, who teaches about healing trauma, especially intergenerational trauma. But this concept is also deeply relevant to postpartum mothers navigating emotional pain, loss, identity shifts, and societal pressure.
🧼 Clean Pain
Clean pain is the honest and real pain that comes from real-life experiences, like grief, disappointment, heartbreak, fear. It’s what we feel when something painful or difficult deserves to be felt.
It might hurt, but it moves us forward. It helps us process what happened and grow from it.
In motherhood, clean pain might sound like:
“I’m still grieving the birth I hoped for.”
“It hurts that I don’t feel like myself anymore.”
“I miss my freedom and my old life sometimes.”
Dirty Pain
Dirty pain is the secondary suffering we layer on top of our real pain. It’s filled with judgment, resistance, and shame. Dirty pain comes from the stories we tell ourselves about the pain.
It sounds like:
“I shouldn’t be upset- my baby is healthy.”
“Other moms are handling this fine. What’s wrong with me?”
“I’m failing as a mom because I feel this way.”
Dirty pain doesn’t help us heal. It keeps us stuck. And it often stems from trauma, perfectionism, or cultural messages about who we’re supposed to be as mothers.
How Clean Pain vs. Dirty Pain Shows Up in Postpartum Motherhood
Let’s break this down with a few real-world examples:
Experience:
Birth didn’t go as planned.
Clean Pain: “I’m so sad about how my baby was born.”
Dirty Pain: “I shouldn’t feel upset—it wasn’t that bad.”
Experience:
Missing your old life.
Clean Pain: “I miss my job, my routines, and time for myself.”
Dirty Pain: “Good moms don’t feel this way.”
Experience:
Struggling with anxiety or depression
Clean Pain: “This is really hard. I need support.”
Dirty Pain: “I’m weak. I should be stronger than this.”
How to Tell If You’re in Clean Pain or Dirty Pain
Try asking yourself these questions:
Is this emotion tied to a real experience I haven’t fully processed (clean pain)?
Or am I telling myself a story that adds guilt, judgment, or shame (dirty pain)?
After I feel this feeling, do I feel more connected to myself or more stuck?
You can also look for cognitive distortions (all-or-nothing thinking, catastrophizing, mind reading) and trauma responses (fight, flight, freeze, or fawn). These often signal that dirty pain has crept in.
What You Can Do About It
1. Normalize the Pain
You’re not doing anything wrong by feeling sad, angry, or overwhelmed. Postpartum struggles, especially clean pain, is a normal and valid part of this transformation. It doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful. It means you’re human.
2. Speak to Yourself With Compassion
Imagine how you’d speak to your child if they were hurting. You deserve the same kindness.
Try telling yourself:
“Of course I feel this way.”
“It makes sense that this hurts.”
“I can feel this without judging myself.”
3. Use Body-Based Tools to Move Through Clean Pain
Clean pain needs space to move through your body. Try:
Grounding techniques
Deep breathing
EMDR resourcing (like the Calm Place or Container Exercise)
Gentle movement or crying when you need to
These aren’t about “fixing” the pain—but about honoring it and allowing it to pass through.
4. Challenge Dirty Pain With Thought Work
When dirty pain shows up, meet it with curiosity:
Is this thought true?
Is it helpful?
What would I say to a friend who felt this way?
Using tools from Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), you can begin to rewrite the story you’re telling yourself—so your real pain doesn’t turn into unnecessary suffering.
How Therapy Can Help
Sometimes, you need a safe space to explore your pain without judgment, shame, or pressure to “move on.” That’s what therapy offers.
At Happy Moms Therapy, I help new moms:
Process clean pain from birth trauma, identity shifts, and grief
Identify and reduce dirty pain like guilt, perfectionism, and anxiety
Learn regulation tools that support healing and clarity
Reconnect with their power, worth, and self-trust
You don’t have to do this alone. Support is here when you’re ready.
Key Takeaways
Clean pain is the pain of truth- grief, sadness, or loss that moves us toward healing.
Dirty pain is the pain of judgment- stories we tell ourselves that create shame and keep us stuck.
In postpartum, clean pain might look like grieving your old identity; dirty pain might be telling yourself you’re a bad mom for feeling that way.
You can move through clean pain by feeling it and offering yourself compassion.
You can reduce dirty pain by challenging unhelpful thoughts and practicing nervous system regulation.
Therapy can help you untangle what’s going on and begin to feel proud of your story.
Support is Here For You
You’re Not Alone
If this resonates with you- if you’re navigating emotional pain and wondering whether it’s clean or dirty, know this: You’re doing your best in a system that asks too much and offers too little.
You don’t need to suffer in silence. You deserve support that honors your experience and helps you heal on your terms.
🌿 Reach out today to schedule a free consultation. Support is here when you’re ready.
Disclaimer: This is not a replacement for a therapeutic relationship or mental health services. This is for educational purposes only and should be in used only in conjunction in working with a licensed mental health professional. If you are in California and looking for a professional therapist feel free to use the contact me to request an appointment or search Psychology Today for local therapists in your area.
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